You Complete Me

The moment was a complete game changer in our relationship. I was moaning and groaning to my wife about things I didn't like about myself and things I didn't like about other people; complaining about this and worrying about that. At the end of my diatribe, I looked at Kristy and said 'I am such a terrible person.' I was making a joke. With all of the sincerity in the world, she looked at me and said, 

"Brian, you are not a terrible person. You just have a lot of issues."

She was not making a joke. She was dead serious. It was a game changer because at that moment, I came to realize much more of the depths of the love and life that we share together. Ours is a relationship where we are becoming more open and honest with one another, experiencing more trust and actually allowing one another to speak into the others life - kind of like real friends do.

In a day and age when Jerry's words to Dorothy is what people are looking for, it seems that we've actually been missing out on the true beauty of oneness. What if, being made 'complete' by another person is not the goal at all - or even possible for that matter?

When we look to another person to complete us, we in essence give that person complete power over us. When someone else completes us, we inevitably hang on every word that person says, looking for our value and worth. If they build us up we feel great. If they say something negative about us, even if it's true, it causes our world to cave in around us. This is perhaps one major reason why marriages don't last in our society.

What if, instead of looking to a spouse (or future spouse) to complete us, we looked to a spouse to be a partner in this life journey. Someone who we can be true friends with. True allies. As we work together to continue working through our stuff; knowing that we were never intended to 'complete' one another. A spouse certainly can make us a better person, but that actually only works if the relationship is authentic, vulnerable, filled with trust and love. That takes time, but seems to me - these days - to be much better than the cotton candy, 9th grade crush love we bought into along the way. And yes, for the record, I did like the movie Jerry Maguire and I might have gotten something in my eye during the 'you had me at hello' dialogue.

If you are married, does your spouse have the freedom to speak into your life? About your character? Flaws? How you come across to other people?

Married or not married, do you have others in your life who you have invited to speak into your life? People who make you a better person?

Sunday Stories: Chosen

My Kristy and I packed our bags and headed out of town for a 3 day retreat last week to spend some time with a number of friends who are sharing a similar experience of life, parenthood, vocation and life mission. One evening while sitting around the fire, we were talking with some new friends who have adopted a number of African American children. They were telling us a story about one of their son's who came home from school one day, distraught and said, 

"Dad, they are all making fun of me because I'm black and have white parents."

 This dad looked at his boy and said,

"You go back tomorrow and you tell those kids that you are adopted.You tell them that means that your mom and dad stood at that nursery window, surveyed the whole room full of babies and said, 'That one! We want that one, right there!.'.....and then you tell them that they were in that same nursery."

The humor was funny. But the overarching message of being wanted and chosen - well that is beyond beautiful.

Sunday Stories: Follow Your Heart

I'm a regular at my Starbucks. I know all of the baristas and of course the morning crowd. I've developed a number of good relationships with some of the other regulars, including Steve. Steve is writer. He primarily writes screenplays. He's in his late 40's and has been writing full time for a number of years.

Steve has determined that there is more to life than living, making lots of money and dying. He doesn't necessarily have a firm opinion on what more there is, but he's convinced there's more. This week he told me that is the reason he writes. He used to have a very well paying job, but he left it all to pursue writing, because he believes that what he writes has the power to impact and transform others through the stories he tells. This week, Steve told me,

"Brian, it's not about the money. If it was about the money, I'd be out there right now, pounding the pavement, making a buck. As it is, I'm sitting here, not making very much, but I'm following what's in my heart and I'm just hoping that it makes a difference. I have to do this."

Steve, to you, I say, way to go. I hope that your journey is full of success, but even if it's not, I hope that your heart stays alive. There is nothing better than a heart that is alive.

Sunday Stories: Selfless Love

I heard a story this week about four siblings in their 50's. Two brothers, two sisters. Last week, their 81 year old father passed away. In his last few months of life, his health began to deteriorate and he began suffering with dementia as it would come and go at times.There were a number of occasions when he would be sitting at his home in his chair and would suddenly decide that he wanted to go home. Instead of convincing him that he was already at home or just putting him off, his sons would simply say,

"Ok, dad. Come on. Let's go."

They would go outside, load up in the car and begin driving their dad around asking him for turn by turn directions on how to get back to his home. Sometimes they would get by with just having to make the block. Other times, their dad's directions would take them on a long journey, passing by his old grade school, high school and other landmarks that resided in his memory. Each time though, they would end up back at his home. They would pull into the driveway, get out of the car, go inside and take their places once again in the chairs that they had left minutes earlier. The difference was, this time when sitting in his chair, their dad was at peace because his son's had taken him home.

This might be the most powerful story of love that I experienced this week.

Figuring Out Life with Others

I was recently listening to a podcast by a 70 year old man that I have a great deal of respect for. He mentioned during the podcast that in all of his life, he would be happy if he just had two things: Jesus and relationships.

As one who has at times, struggled greatly with relationships, there are a couple of things that I have learned over the past few years.  These are things that have come to shape how I try to approach relationships these days.

Relationships must be a value

For years I was a loner and was content. I have come to realize over the years however, that life is better with others. In order to share life with others though, I must value relationships and the ongoing pursuit of them.

Relationships take time

This one may seem obvious, but time is something that many usually aren't willing to part with. The truth is, it just takes time to get to know other people. 

Relationships take commitment

It's going to get hard at some point so there must be a willingness to work through the tough patches. 

Relationships take money

I understand that some may balk at this one, but sometimes I might need to actually invest -yes, even money - in relationships. Part of developing friendships is having a good time together and some times these things might cost a little bit. 

Relationships must be a priority

If relationships are not a priority and are not intentionally pursued, they will not happen on their own.

Relationships take the ability to shut up and listen

Most people want to be heard, but have difficulty hearing. In order for relationships to work, it has to go both ways.

Relationships only work if both parties get to be right sometimes

Nobody likes to be in a relationship with someone who already knows everything. (I used to be that guy and still can be sometimes. It's not cool). 

Many of us would say we value relationships. The problem is, our lifestyles don't necessarily their importance. Someone once told me, show me your calendar and your checkbook and I'll show you what is really important to you.

Being a loner is easy for me. Intentionality in relationships is a bit harder and more challenging. But in the end, I am hoping that a change in lifestyle early on will lead me to hopefully being 70+ years old one day and though I might not have a lot of things that others might have, I am hoping that I at least have others.

What other things might you add to the list? Or take off of the list?

It Takes a Village

This past summer, Kristy and I packed up the car, loaded up the boys and headed out of town with two other couples for our annual beach trip. What makes this trip so exciting - sure, we can use that word - is that between our 3 couples we have 11 children - all boys - all under the age of 6.

These are two couples that we are quite intentional about sharing life with. We're to the place where we trust each other with our own kids, allow one another to correct/discipline our kids and actually play a part in raising one another's kids. 

One night on this particular trip, Kristy got into a beautiful conversation with the other two girls. I think us dad's must have all gone to sleep (tired from keeping up with the kids all day, cooking, keeping the condo clean, etc.). The conversation made it's way towards how we are going to train our boys in the ways of God, how we will instill kingdom values in them, and teach them how to live. The question came up at one point, "How will 'I' be able to train my boys to do something or to a choose a particular path that I myself (and/or my husband) might have messed up or not chosen correctly." Another one of the girls replied, "Perhaps, but what if we share in the raising of our boys. Between the three of us, we have all had different experiences and made different choices. So I can give a whole different perspective. This way our kids can learn from all of our stories and lives."

As the girls discussed they came to the conclusion that when we truly invite one another into each other's lives we all bring different things to the table. 

Since then I have thought a lot about the ancient "African" proverb, 'It takes a village to raise a child.' Some believe this proverb originated from the Nigerian Igbo culture and proverb "Ora na azu nwa" which actually means 'it takes the community /village to raise a child.' This tribe went so far as to name their children "Nwa ora" which means 'child of the community.' It has been in existence in Africa for centuries.

Adopting a daughter from a completely different culture (Africa, actually) has led me to thinking this thru at even deeper levels. It's raised a number of questions:

In our context today, what is it that causes us to think that our children are better off only learning from us (their parents)?

Is it possible that our collective experience and wisdom would actually work to make our kids better, not worse?

How does our modern day, individualistic, American culture hinder us from engaging in the centuries old practice of raising children in community?

Do you have a community of people that you share life with and allow to speak into your kid's lives? If not, would you be willing to? If not, why not?

How can we be more intentional about being a part of a 'village' to share life and the raising of our kids?

Working Together for the Good of Others

This is a blog about a good friend of mine who has started a non-profit in order to provide food and critical vitamins to malnourished children in Zambia, Africa. You can actually help in very simple ways - simply by liking Umweo Bags on FB and sharing the link. Grace and peace - Brian

In an effort to raise awareness, friends of Umweo Bags will donate over $600 to this amazing cause if Umweo Bags receives over 250 likes on their Facebook page, along with receiving at least 60 shares on FB and 20 new followers on Twitter by December 25.

Umweo Bags is a non-profit organization (pulling together the final paperwork for being incorporated as a 501(c)3 as you read) that was started in 2010 by Ana Rich. While on a mission trip in Zambia, with her church - the Vineyard Church of New Orleans. Ana had the opportunity to visit a malnutrition clinic in the town of Kitwe. This clinic is a place where children in the community who are malnourished are brought, most often by their parents, to be given a chance at surviving in life. While at the clinic, children are cared for by nurses who do all that they can to provide care, nutrition, vitamins and food to these children; to nurse them back to health so that they may return home to their families, healthy. At the time that Ana was visiting the clinic, there were close to 15 children being cared for and nursed back to health.

Upon returning to New Orleans from her trip to Zambia, Africa, Ana had an overwhelming desire to help, to work to figure out how she could play a part in helping these children survive. While in Zambia, Ana had the opportunity to go to market one day. While there she purchased a handmade bag from one of the local merchants. It was this bag that enlarged Ana’s imagination as she considered ways that she could help those children who are clinging to life over 9000 miles away.

After weeks of thinking and praying, Ana pulled out her old sewing machine, though she had only minor sewing skills, and began to play around with fabric and designs to try and replicate the bag that she had purchased at market. Within a few days, Ana had finally landed on her own unique pattern for the purses. And thus Umweo Bags was born.

Umweo Bags are all made out of fabrics full of vibrant colors that in some way reflect the culture of Zambia.  Bags are sold for $30 and every penny that is profit is now sent to the malnutrition clinic in Kitwe and is used to purchase the necessary food and vitamin supplements for the children.  Over the last year and a half, Ana has empowered a number of other women in the community to also make bags and today, every Umweo Bag is handmade by Ana and 5 of her friends.

To date, Umweo Bags has sent $2,675 to the malnutrition clinic which in turn has allowed the clinic to purchase food. The clinic usually only has enough funding to purchase formula. However, children over 8 months old are in need of solid foods in order to get the nutrients they need to regain their health. The money that Umweo Bags sends to the clinic enables the clinic to purchase the necessary solids, such as, fruits, mealie meal, ground nuts for protein and more.

Here are some other sobering numbers:

·         People travel anywhere from 10 miles to 150 miles in order to find help at the clinic

·         Children stay anywhere from 7 days to 30 days at the clinic

·         There is a dietician and 3 nurses that work at the clinic

·         The clinic has anywhere from 12 children to 32 a time 

·         There are only 25 beds at the clinic

Since Umweo Bags partnered with the clinic in 2010, over 95 children have been nursed back to health and have returned to their homes nourished and healthy.

It is our heart at Umweo Bags to continue to provide as much as we can financially to this clinic to provide these children with the food and vitamins they need to survive - to provide life.

Here’s how you can help:

1.       Like Umweo Bags Facebook page (here)

2.       Share Umweo Bags page on Facebook (here)

3.       Follow Umweo Bags on Twitter @umweobags

In addition to this, you may always purchase an Umweo Bag at www.umweobags.bigcartel.com or donate directly to Umweo Bags at www.umweobags.com