You Complete Me

The moment was a complete game changer in our relationship. I was moaning and groaning to my wife about things I didn't like about myself and things I didn't like about other people; complaining about this and worrying about that. At the end of my diatribe, I looked at Kristy and said 'I am such a terrible person.' I was making a joke. With all of the sincerity in the world, she looked at me and said, 

"Brian, you are not a terrible person. You just have a lot of issues."

She was not making a joke. She was dead serious. It was a game changer because at that moment, I came to realize much more of the depths of the love and life that we share together. Ours is a relationship where we are becoming more open and honest with one another, experiencing more trust and actually allowing one another to speak into the others life - kind of like real friends do.

In a day and age when Jerry's words to Dorothy is what people are looking for, it seems that we've actually been missing out on the true beauty of oneness. What if, being made 'complete' by another person is not the goal at all - or even possible for that matter?

When we look to another person to complete us, we in essence give that person complete power over us. When someone else completes us, we inevitably hang on every word that person says, looking for our value and worth. If they build us up we feel great. If they say something negative about us, even if it's true, it causes our world to cave in around us. This is perhaps one major reason why marriages don't last in our society.

What if, instead of looking to a spouse (or future spouse) to complete us, we looked to a spouse to be a partner in this life journey. Someone who we can be true friends with. True allies. As we work together to continue working through our stuff; knowing that we were never intended to 'complete' one another. A spouse certainly can make us a better person, but that actually only works if the relationship is authentic, vulnerable, filled with trust and love. That takes time, but seems to me - these days - to be much better than the cotton candy, 9th grade crush love we bought into along the way. And yes, for the record, I did like the movie Jerry Maguire and I might have gotten something in my eye during the 'you had me at hello' dialogue.

If you are married, does your spouse have the freedom to speak into your life? About your character? Flaws? How you come across to other people?

Married or not married, do you have others in your life who you have invited to speak into your life? People who make you a better person?

Sunday Stories: Selfless Love

I heard a story this week about four siblings in their 50's. Two brothers, two sisters. Last week, their 81 year old father passed away. In his last few months of life, his health began to deteriorate and he began suffering with dementia as it would come and go at times.There were a number of occasions when he would be sitting at his home in his chair and would suddenly decide that he wanted to go home. Instead of convincing him that he was already at home or just putting him off, his sons would simply say,

"Ok, dad. Come on. Let's go."

They would go outside, load up in the car and begin driving their dad around asking him for turn by turn directions on how to get back to his home. Sometimes they would get by with just having to make the block. Other times, their dad's directions would take them on a long journey, passing by his old grade school, high school and other landmarks that resided in his memory. Each time though, they would end up back at his home. They would pull into the driveway, get out of the car, go inside and take their places once again in the chairs that they had left minutes earlier. The difference was, this time when sitting in his chair, their dad was at peace because his son's had taken him home.

This might be the most powerful story of love that I experienced this week.

Did Jesus Die Because of the Cookies?

For about a year now, I have been wrestling with how to teach my boys - ages 6, 5, 4 & 2 - about Jesus, salvation, eternity, sin, resurrection and what it means to actually follow Jesus.

Since I was a kid I have struggled with the idea that Jesus had to die because I did bad things. I started learning about Jesus and religion at a fairly young age and I remember walking down to the front of the church because I wanted Jesus to forgive me for my sins and come and live in my heart. The idea alone that some grown man was going to come to live in my heart was difficult enough to figure out, but on top of that I was always curious why Jesus had to die. I just figured that I must be pretty evil for a 7 year old so someone had to die.

Fast forward 27 years. I was recently having a conversation with a friend, who asked me, "So, why exactly did Jesus have to die?"

To which I replied, "So that he could come back from the dead."

And just like that I had my answer.

Jesus' mission to this planet was not to come to simply die for humanity's sin (although this was part of it), but his mission was to come and crush and ultimately destroy evil. And the way to obliterate evil was to beat evil at its own game....take evil's best shot - death - and conquer it. And once death was conquered, this released an overarching plan of redemption, restoration, renewal and reconciliation.

This understanding makes Jesus much more powerful and actually makes the good news good. As I'm working through how to teach my boys about Jesus, I desire to teach them about the place that Jesus takes in my life and his desire to be the center of their own lives. I want them to understand that life with God is not about sin management, but it is about walking with God in a reconciled relationship. The problem for me lies in this traditional teaching that Jesus died on the cross to forgive us for the bad things we might do. This reasoning seems quite anemic. Really? Is that the best Jesus can do? Simply forgive us for bad things? Seriously, how do you explain to a 6 year old that God killed his son Jesus because my son stole a cookie from his brother? So, now Jesus forgives you, but you need to quit doing bad things - like stealing cookies or peeing on the side of the house. See what I mean? It's weak. And honestly, who wants to follow a God who would kill his son because some 6 year old kid is stealing cookies from his brother.

So, now I am working a new way to explain Jesus and salvation; life and beauty; forgiveness and restoration; renovation and renewal to my boys. 

It’s something like this....

Death sucks. Life is beautiful. When we do things that don't line up with God's goodness and love, it leads us away from beauty and life and God. Hurting ourselves and others is not cool. Doing good and loving others is really good. Not forgiving people is harmful. Forgiving people is freeing and loving. Jesus did die. But he died so that he could actually come back to life. And it's the coming back to life part that gives all of humanity the chance to live differently. When he came back to life he invited us to actually live really powerful and different lives, just like him (and superman and batman). He invites us to live lives in which we look to love Him, as well as love and forgive others; help others and work to make this earth more like heaven through blessing, making peace, living selflessly, extending mercy, creating beauty and on and on.

So, I know you stole that cookie from your brother. Now I'm not thinking that Jesus is really pissed, but perhaps there is a better way to approach this whole cookie situation. Do you think your brother feels loved when you take his stash? No? Then perhaps the Jesus way is to learn how to love your brother and practice the life giving solution. The solution that encourages love and unity; that is full of beauty and preferring your brother. The solution that gives life. And this solution is doable when we allow Jesus to shape our hearts, minds and lives.

And here's the deal…if this doesn't work....I can always revert back to the old school method:

"Jesus died to forgive you for your sins. So, if you don't ask for forgiveness and stop stealing your brother’s cookies, you're probably going to go to hell. "

Religion is a Crutch for the Weak

It's been said by those who do not 'believe' in God that religion is a crutch for the weak. 

Upon waking today, I think that those who utter such words might be right. 

For, my religion (so to speak) is one of following a God who is not dead, who hates death and who does not rejoice over the death of any. It is one of following a God who asks me to love people who hate me, to forgive people who hurt me, to bless people who curse me, to befriend people who annoy me, to serve people who oppress me, to care for people who detest me, to....

So, today, I admit that I am weak. At this moment, I feel powerless to do the very things that I want to do in my heart. I feel anemic when it comes to thinking and speaking and loving rightly. I feel weak and so yes, I admit that I am not strong enough to move about or live without my eyes set in the direction of the one who is not dead.

Today, I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Greg Boyd, (and I paraphrase) "The kingdom of God always looks like Jesus dying on the cross for the ones who were nailing him to it." 

So, as news of Osama Bin Laden's death spreads and as views of the President of the U.S. are expressed over these next few days and weeks, if you are a follower of this particular Jesus - the one who dies on the cross for the very one's who were murdering him - perhaps we should proclaim our weakness and ask him for the same strength to practice love as he did and does. 

Depending on your views of the President of America, (and remember, not everyone shares your views) perhaps proclaiming your weakness, you may pray for this leader instead of spewing venomous words as he tries to lead a nation through very tumultuous times.

Maybe, just maybe this type of 'religion' - the type that is sold out to learning to love - is indeed for the weak and for this reason, those who want to live this type of life need to look to the one and rely on the one who has shown us how to actually do it.

Post Blog Thought: Someone asked me if this means that I think America should not have pursued Bin Laden and brought him to 'justice'. I think this is the wrong question. The right question might be more along the lines of - In how I respond to this news, am I allowing Jesus to determine what it looks like for me to follow him instead of me determining what it looks like?

Love Always Wins

It was a crisp, warm, sunny morning in New Orleans, Louisiana. The events of that day are forever branded in our minds and the images of that fateful day will be recalled in our memories every year on September 11 until the day that we depart. The whirlwind of emotions that we felt on that day and even today, looking back are just that….a whirlwind. Depression. Anger. Bitter sorrow. Fear. Feelings of superiority, pride, humility. If you are anything like me, you probably experienced all of these emotions, feelings and more.

I have often wondered, what God was thinking and feeling on that awful day in history. For a short time, I thought for sure that God was angry that someone would attack his homeland. That people who didn’t even believe in him would destroy his chosen people. I thought that God would surely execute judgment on those who hurt him, on those who hurt his people. And I believed that the instrument that he would choose to bring about justice would be the ones who were attacked. I believed that he would want us to find those who were responsible track them down and destroy them. I would not have said any of these things with my mouth, but I believe my thoughts and actions said them loud and clear.

Today, as I sit and reflect upon that day, my life and the Creator God, I am embarrassed and humbled.

I am embarrassed because over these past few years, I have begun to realize how much I did not know this God that I had committed to following with my life. I was following a god who was confused. I was following a god who was a contradiction. I was following a god who I thought was on my side because I live in America. It turned out that I was actually following a god who hated the same people that I hated. A god who had murder and revenge in his heart, just like I did – which in turn was also what the men who flew the planes into the towers had in their hearts. I was following a god who was full of wrath and anger, disappointment and hate.

Nine years later, I am humbled and happy to say that I do not follow that god anymore. For the last 9 years, I have been on a journey towards the God of the Bible and his son, Jesus. The more I come to know this God, the more I am convinced of what he was doing on the 11th day of September in 2001. Some might say that it is naïve to know what God was doing on that day, but in the New Testament, Jesus says that those who have seen him, have seen God. So, all I really have to do, is look to Jesus to get an idea.

And when I look at Jesus, I see love.

One of my favorite authors writes, “The Kingdom of God always looks like Jesus dying on the cross for the ones who were nailing him to it.” On the day of the crucifixion, as Jesus hung suspended between heaven and earth, he cried out to his father, God and asked him to forgive the men who were torturing and killing him. Have you ever wondered if God did forgive them? I believe the more we know Jesus, the more convinced we will be that indeed, in that moment, God did extend forgiveness.

Jesus never fought violence with violence. He told Peter to put down his sword when the armed guards came to arrest him in the garden and Jesus willingly handed over his life and laid down his rights, power and will and allowed evil, violent men to execute him. And then, he took upon himself all of the evil and injustice of the world, took their best shot – death – and in the most unbelievable act in the history of forever, he snickered in the face of his enemy, in the face of violence in the face of injustice and said, “Is that all you’ve got?” and he came back from the dead.

It is because he came back from the dead that we can now be filled with his life. It is because he came back from the dead that we are set free from fighting violence with more violence – which only continues the vicious cycle – and we can be people of love and forgiveness, mercy and peace.

On the day that those planes were headed for those towers, I believe that Jesus was praying. I believe that he was praying for those on the airplanes who were filled with terror. I believe he was praying for those in the towers who had no idea what was coming. I believe he was praying for families and loved ones. I believe he was praying for those misguided men who were guiding their missiles towards the towers. I believe he was praying for you and me.

I wish Jesus would have stopped those attacks on that day. I don’t know why he didn’t. I wish he had.

But since he didn’t, that means he watched it unfold just as I did and I have to believe that he wept bitterly as he watched it, just as I did.

As I orient my life around this Jesus, today is a day that I remember and I pray. I remember those lost and the loved ones they left behind. I pray for those who lost so much on that day.

I also pray for love and peace and more people who will turn towards these things. As I wrote earlier, fighting violence with violence only leads to more violence. But Jesus taught us a way to fight violence that ultimately brings about heart and life change. To fight violence with love is no easy task, but it is the way of Jesus and he has already proven that it works and in the end – love always wins.

Today – may love rule in your family, your relationships, your life and in your heart.

More 9/11 Reflections:

Remember 9/11 - Chad Estes

Muslims, Americans and Jesus Like Love - Crispin Schroeder

What If We Are Supposed To Actually Do It?

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Last week Kristy and I bought a new home. When we first looked at the house a number of weeks ago, one of the things that we really liked about the backyard was the fact that the neighbor behind us had two ginormous oak trees in his yard that provide great shade to our backyard. (Obviously there were many things that we liked about this house, but this story is based in the backyard).

Immediately following our closing we headed straight over to our new place to walk through it and check things out. When we arrived at our new home, I looked out the back window only to notice that my backyard was full of huge oak branches. I walked outside with my boys and saw that the neighbor behind us (we’ll call him Joe, because that’s his name) was up in one of the trees cutting branch after branch. After a few minutes, Joe acknowledged me down below and we exchanged names and talked about the neighborhood. After a few minutes of small talk I motioned down to all of the branches that were spread across my backyard and said, “Joe, as for these branches….?”

Joe quickly interjected, “Oh…do you need help dragging those out of your yard?”

At this point, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. It was one of the ‘Maybe We Could Just Follow the Planes’ moments for me.

Maybe I could say….

“Are you serious?”

Or…..

“No Joe. I don’t need help. I need you to get over here and drag them out. I’ll provide the lemonade.”

Or….

“Uh….no Joe. I just need a little help throwing them back over the fence.”

Now, for all of those who are reading this blog, I’m just curious…what would your next statement be?

I have told this story to some and they thought it was hilarious that Joe did not feel that it was his responsibility to clean up the yard. I have talked to others and they didn’t see any reason for Joe to clean up my yard. I’m really just curious what others might think about this.

All the same, it was pretty funny for me. My actual response was, “Well, Joe… I guess I do need a little help.”