You Complete Me

The moment was a complete game changer in our relationship. I was moaning and groaning to my wife about things I didn't like about myself and things I didn't like about other people; complaining about this and worrying about that. At the end of my diatribe, I looked at Kristy and said 'I am such a terrible person.' I was making a joke. With all of the sincerity in the world, she looked at me and said, 

"Brian, you are not a terrible person. You just have a lot of issues."

She was not making a joke. She was dead serious. It was a game changer because at that moment, I came to realize much more of the depths of the love and life that we share together. Ours is a relationship where we are becoming more open and honest with one another, experiencing more trust and actually allowing one another to speak into the others life - kind of like real friends do.

In a day and age when Jerry's words to Dorothy is what people are looking for, it seems that we've actually been missing out on the true beauty of oneness. What if, being made 'complete' by another person is not the goal at all - or even possible for that matter?

When we look to another person to complete us, we in essence give that person complete power over us. When someone else completes us, we inevitably hang on every word that person says, looking for our value and worth. If they build us up we feel great. If they say something negative about us, even if it's true, it causes our world to cave in around us. This is perhaps one major reason why marriages don't last in our society.

What if, instead of looking to a spouse (or future spouse) to complete us, we looked to a spouse to be a partner in this life journey. Someone who we can be true friends with. True allies. As we work together to continue working through our stuff; knowing that we were never intended to 'complete' one another. A spouse certainly can make us a better person, but that actually only works if the relationship is authentic, vulnerable, filled with trust and love. That takes time, but seems to me - these days - to be much better than the cotton candy, 9th grade crush love we bought into along the way. And yes, for the record, I did like the movie Jerry Maguire and I might have gotten something in my eye during the 'you had me at hello' dialogue.

If you are married, does your spouse have the freedom to speak into your life? About your character? Flaws? How you come across to other people?

Married or not married, do you have others in your life who you have invited to speak into your life? People who make you a better person?

It's 3 A.M...Do You Know Where Your Wife Is?

On March 1 Kristy and I will celebrate our 48 month anniversary – 4 years of marriage. Four years ago, I was 26 years old, living in a beautiful one bedroom apartment, had two nice cars, a great job and lots and lots of free time. Enjoying movies and a variety of dining experiences on a weekly basis, Kristy and I enjoyed our lives as we had very little responsibility and lots of ‘us’ time. Just 4 short years ago, I could be awakened at 3:00 in the morning, roll over and wake my wife up for a little 3 a.m. action. What a life!

It’s amazing how much can change in just 4 years time.

Forty eight months later our lives are in no way, shape or form the same as they once were (except that we’re better friends today than we were then). Now, don’t get me wrong – we still get to enjoy the things we once did. We still enjoy the movies and probably watch them more than in the past. Of course these movies include Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc., Toy Story, The Lion King and Jungle Book. We still enjoy a variety of dining experiences such as McDonalds, Dunkin’ Donuts and Chuck E. Cheese’s. We still have two nice cars – if you consider a mini-van a nice car. And most importantly we still get up at 3:00 a.m. The only problem is, now when I wake up at 3 a.m. it is usually to a child crying and more often than not I’m lying next to a space void of my best friend. As I write this today Kristy and I now have 3 boys – Micah (28 months), Jonah (14 months) and Nathan (4 days).

Saturday night, we had our newest addition, Nathan, home for the first time. All was running smoothly until about 11 pm when Nathan (4 days old) woke up Jonah (14 months). After getting Jonah back to sleep and Nathan fed, all seemed well until Jonah woke up again at midnight, lying in a bed that he somehow managed to wet from one end to the other. (I don’t know how a kid that small can pee that much.) I changed the sheets as Kristy began rocking him back to sleep. As she rocked him, I headed back to our bed only to be stopped in my tracks by a crying Nathan. So I went and took care of Nathan and finally met Kristy back in the bed at 1:30 a.m. Around 3:00 a.m. our oldest son, Micah (28 months old) began crying. As I rolled over to see if Kristy was going to make her way to Micah’s room, I noticed she wasn’t there. I was instantly transported in my mind to the days when we would get it on at this time…but I digress. Not tonight. As I get up and move towards Micah’s room I notice Kris in the den once again feeding #3. So, I go to Micah’s room and work my magic until he falls back asleep. At 5:45 a.m. I wake up in Micah’s bed (that was my magic) and drag myself to the shower to start another day. What a life!

Last night in our home, our experience was the same as Saturday night, with the addition of one child throwing up and having to clean up that mess. Needless to say, I am incredibly tired today. I could take time later to write out all of the things that I am learning right now, but that would make this blog way too long. So, I’m just jotting down the cliff notes today:

1. God is really teaching me, once again, that choosing selflessness is the way to go – especially in my marriage. I have been amazed to see how much it enhances my relationship with my bride and how valued she feels when I choose to help her in the middle of the night with our kids.

2. God is teaching me to enjoy the stage of life that I am in. Whether you’re single and want to be married, married and want to have kids, have kids and want more kids, have kids and want them to leave for college – the stage that you are in is what it is – and it will be gone one day so don’t rush through it. God is teaching me to truly enjoy where I am in life.

3. God is teaching me about his love for me through my kids. Just as I take incredible pleasure in my boys, he is teaching me that when I live in his presence, I can truly experience his pleasure in my life on a regular, daily basis. (I will certainly write more on this.)