The Journey Inward

Four months ago I picked up a book by Reggie McNeal entitled Practicing Greatness: 7 Disciplines of Extraordinary Spiritual Leaders. I was about to embark on my second reading through the book. At the same time, a friend of mine recommended a book by Peter Scazzero entitled The Emotionally Healthy Church. Little did I know at that time that these two books along with some nudging by the Holy Spirit would take me on a journey deep into my own heart and soul.

In the last four months I have come to the realization that I’m really not the person I hoped that I would be at the age of 31. I am a husband and a father. I did want that. I own a home and have a well paying job. I did want that. I have a few friends and wonderful family. I did want that. But, at the same time, I have a pretty achy back. I didn’t want that. I get really bad headaches. I didn’t want that. I am sad a lot. I didn’t want that. I am opinionated. I didn’t want that. I like control. I didn’t want that. I can be judgmental. I didn’t want that. There are a couple of other things, but no need to put all of my dirty laundry out there.

As these months have crawled along at a snails pace, I have begun to journey deeper into my own thoughts and feelings. I have asked questions, I have changed behaviors, I have sought the Lord. Behavioral changes have been good and healthy, but what I have truly been in search of is a heart transplant. (I am not writing from a theological standpoint at this point.) I am simply saying that I have needed God to change me at a deeper level. I have come to figure out in the last four months that God first wanted me to know what I didn’t know before he would come in and do surgery. It has been a time of being honest with myself. Evaluating my thoughts and my feelings as honestly as I know how and then learning how to evaluate more honestly.

I first read McNeal’s book, Practicing Greatness, about a year and a half ago. At that time, I distinctly remember a couple of challenges proposed in his book that I thought were very good challenges. I even thought that I should put myself up to the challenge, but then thought better of it. As I moved through the pages of Practicing Greatness this time, I felt that the Holy Spirit was gently pressing down on me with the weight of the world to not just read the words but to actually make a move. So, when I got to the chapter on managing emotions, I read very carefully; I knew that this was a chapter that I needed to pay close attention too. Basically, McNeal posed the idea, ‘If you want to know what kind of person / leader you are, simply ask those around you.’ This was one of those ‘challenges’ that I thought I should participate in last year when I read the book but then chose not too. This time around, I had no choice. I had to step up to the plate. So, I drafted four questions and I sent them to four people. Those who I sent the questions to had all known me for different amounts of time and I felt that they were the people who the Holy Spirit had inspired me to ask. The questions were:

1. How do you see me as a leader?
2. Am I a hostile person?
3. Do you see in blind spots in my life / ministry?
4. Do you like me?

This was an exercise that I was not particularly excited about. I gave these few people permission to be brutally honest with me, because if they were not willing to be honest, then the exercise would be of no value. Well…they were honest…and the good news was that at the end of each interview, each person said they liked me… most of the time. As for everything else, let’s just say I had (have) a lot to work on.

At the same time, I started reading Scazzero’s book on emotional health. In the fourth chapter of this book there is an emotional inventory for the reader to work through to assess where they rank on the emotional maturity scale in 6 different areas. The four levels of maturity are:

Emotional Infant
Emotional Child
Emotional Adolescent
Emotional Adult

The inventory determined that I rank at the child or adolescent level in the six categories. I was so upset after taking the test that I put the book in my satchel and left it there for about 3 weeks before getting back to it. (That was part of my emotional immaturity.) I did get back to the book however and it has played an integral part in the growing process.

It’s kind of interesting because I started this blog exactly one year ago. My first blog entry was entitled Opinions, Listening, Optimism and Bitching. One of my goals in 2007 was to work towards becoming less opinionated and bitch less. I did accomplish my goals in some ways, but perhaps more importantly than just trying to change the behaviors, 2007 was the year that Jesus began to show me why opinions and bitching even exist in my life. I believe that 2008 is a year of going deeper, albeit painful at times. It’s not just about changing the behavior, but truly having a change of heart and becoming the person that God has created me to be.

So, now you know. This is where I’ve been. I’ve been in the operating room and I’ve been slowly asking God to cut a little deeper and remove more and more of the stuff that has no place in my life and put more of the good stuff in me. I pray that 2008 will indeed be a year filled with looking more like Jesus as I learn more about myself and experience more of Him.

From Diapers to the Potty

Recently, two of my blogging friends wrote about the journeys that their sons are on towards manhood. One has a 12 year old son who will be a teenager next year. He titled his blog ‘From Boys to Men.’ The other has a son who is 19 and has just left home for college. He titled his blog ‘Passage to Manhood.’

I respect both of these friends and am inspired by them as men and as fathers. Both of their blogs challenged me, inspired me and led me to evaluate where I am in the journey with my three boys towards manhood. After a few minutes of reflecting, I concluded that we are still in the very early stages – but we are on our way!

About a month ago, my cell phone rang as I sat in my office reading. As I pulled it out of my pocket and noticed that the caller ID said ‘home’ I answered eager to see what Kristy needed. No sooner than the word “hello” was out of my mouth, there was a high pitched voice on the other end yelling, “Daddy, I went poo poo on the potty!” For those of you who have received a similar phone call…you can certainly relate. But what are you supposed to do with that information? Obviously, when your child calls you with this fantastic news, you want to reply with great enthusiasm.

“You went poo poo on the potty!? That’s awesome!”

I’m just glad I wasn’t at a crowded Starbucks when I received that call. That would have been really awkward.

That phone call came from my oldest boy, Micah who will be 3 years old in a few days. Some might say that he is getting potty trained at a late age, but here’s the beauty of it – that day that Micah called me was the same day that he was completely potty trained without our assistance. He just decided he was done with diapers and wanted big boy underwear. We haven’t had even one accident in over a month.

He’s well on his way to manhood.

Two weeks ago, I was building blocks in the den with Micah and Jonah (my middle boy who will be 2 in late November) when Jonah picked up a block and threw it across the room. Without really thinking about which boy I was talking to I said, “Go to timeout.”

Now, for this story to work, I need to set this up for you.

About 3 months ago, Jonah learned how to get out of his crib. We have kept him in a crib as long as possible because it just makes life easier when you have a place that your kid cannot escape from. Well, those days are over – he can now escape (and usually does escape every morning around 5:30 am, but that’s a blog for another day.) We have also been using Jonah’s crib as his timeout place for the last 6 months. (I know, I know – we shouldn’t use his bed as a place of punishment, but you’d be amazed at how many things we do that you’re not ‘supposed’ to do as parents.)

Anyway, when I told Jonah to go to timeout, he stood up, turned around and walked away – without even a whimper. After about a minute I looked at Kristy and said “where do you think he went?” We both started to walk to the back of the house to find him when we looked in his room only to see that Jonah was sitting in his crib. Who would have known! Not only can the kid get out of his crib but he can actually climb in!

He’s well on his way to manhood.

The other day, Nate (my third boy who is 8 months old) started cutting a tooth. He also recently learned how to sit up without falling over.

He’s well on his way to manhood.

I look forward to those days in the future when we will play football, hike mountains, shoot guns, go camping, play with fire, learn how to treat girls, build tree houses, and do all kinds of others things that boys who are becoming men do…but until that time…I am just enjoying watching as these little guys learn how to use the potty, build with blocks, eat with utensils, sit up, say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no mam’, pray to Jesus at bedtime and love life.

Everybody Wants to be Somebody

Alright, I’ll admit it…I like country music. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because my high school girlfriend liked it and I’ve enjoyed listening ever since. Or maybe it’s because my buddy Crispin is a huge country music fan and makes me listen to it every time we’re in his truck, or maybe it’s just because country music has such an encouraging, positive message. Whatever it is…I enjoy listening. In 2006 country music star Toby Keith released a song entitled “Get Drunk and Be Somebody”. For those of you who have not yet learned to appreciate the true joy and richness of country music, here is the chorus to Keith’s song:

All week long (we’re a) bunch of real nobodies,

But we just punched out and it’s paycheck Friday,

Weekends here, good God almighty,

People lets get drunk and be somebody

As I was listening to this song the other day, I got to thinking…you know, everybody wants to be somebody. Nobody wants to be a nobody.

I’m not going to disclose too much in this blog; I’m not sure I really want the whole world having access to my dirty laundry, but I will go so far as to say this – sometimes, I just want to be somebody. I’m not proud of it and I really don’t like it, but sometimes it’s just true. (For those of you who have never experienced this, congratulations – you are convincing when it comes to lying to yourself!)

I guess one thing that I take comfort in is that I’m in good company. In the gospel of Luke there’s this one verse that says, “And there arose also a dispute among them (the disciples) as to which one of them was regarded to be the greatest” (22:24). I get this picture in my head of these 12 guys hanging around in this room (with Jesus present) arguing back and forth…

James: “Well…he did wash my feet first, so obviously, I’m the greatest…”

Andrew: “No way! He might have washed your feet first, but when He was picking disciples…he picked me first. I’m definitely the greatest.”

Peter: “Actually Andrew, if you recall, he really picked me first. And quite honestly, I really thought that I might be the greatest, you know… his favorite, but then he went and healed my mother in the law the other day…so now I’m not so sure…”

So, here you have these 12 guys and they all want to be somebody. They want it badly enough that they are actually willing to argue about it in front of Jesus. Personally, I’m pretty embarrassed to admit that it’s even in me, but they didn’t seem to mind.

As I have been reflecting on this lately though, I have come to the realization that I really don’t want to be somebody. At the deepest part of my being, I ultimately desire to live a life that is lived out as though I have nothing to gain, nothing to lose and nothing to prove. I desire to have a heart and a life that finds its ultimate security and value in simply being a child of God’s. The truth is though, there is no way to live a life with nothing to gain, nothing to lose or nothing to prove until I become honest with myself and admit that at times I try to gain, try not to lose and try to prove that I am somebody!

The world sings their anthem loud and clear…Be Somebody!

But as I look into the scripture it really seems that Jesus’ plan for us as his followers is quite different…lose your life, don’t worry about gaining, losing or proving…just follow me.

Eventually 11 of those 12 got it. They realized that everything that they were was because of God. And they lived their lives accordingly.

So, today I move closer to singing my anthem, the same anthem that those disciples sang on their journey through life and eventually to their deaths:

I am loved by God. Everything that I have, everything that I am is because of him. I find my security and my value in Christ alone. There is now no need to be somebody. Therefore, I may now live today with nothing to gain, nothing to lose and nothing to prove.

Little Old Ladies

Kristy and I live two houses from a private high school in beautiful Metairie, LA. It just so happens that this school’s parking lot provides a great shortcut to get to my house – much quicker than if I take the regular route. The gates are always open, so I have always assumed that the school must want me to use their parking lot to get to my home. About 2 months ago, I did my normal cut through the parking lot only to find that the gate that I usually exit through to get home was closed.

There are actually 3 gates that I could exit through to get home; so I slowly drove past the first closed gate only to notice that the other two were also closed. As I circled around the parking lot and looked through the gate at my house I figured that getting out of my car to open the gate might be a little inconvenient, but it would get me home quicker. So, I pulled up to the gate, stepped out of my car, took 2 steps towards the gate, when all of a sudden I heard a high pitched voice from behind me yelling, “Sir! Sir! Please don’t open that gate sir!”

For the past 4 months, I have been stuck in this one book by Watchman Nee entitled Spiritual Authority. In his book, Nee makes every effort to explain that as Christians, God desires that we would learn to submit to authority. Nee explains that to submit to authority is to submit to God and the one who rebels against authority ultimately is rebelling against God.

Nee writes in his book, “Whoever has met authority deals purely with authority and not with man. Let us not see the man but only the authority vested in him. We do not obey man but God’s authority in that man.”

Since reading the book, I have asked God on a number of occasions to show me my shortcomings, to challenge me, to teach me, to show me the places where I might actually be living in rebellion towards God – either directly or indirectly. I have asked God to make me aware of His authority everywhere that I go.

To be quite honest, I really thought that God might choose to use my boss or a mentor, a police officer or someone who has some real authority in my life. Instead he chose to use a little old lady yelling at me with her high pitched voice.

You might think that this really isn’t a big deal.

So what? Who cares? Some lady asks me not to use the gate, so I just get in my car and leave.

Right?

Where’s the brush with authority? Where’s the rebellion in that?

Well, let me finish the story…

As I turned around to face this woman, something inside of me began to burn with anger. I could feel my face turning a bright shade of red. My ears began to burn and I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my bald head.

I had been caught red handed and I was so mad. I knew that it was private property. I knew that it was wrong to cut through the parking lot. I knew that it was wrong to get out of my car and attempt to open the gate. I knew all of these things. Unfortunately, none of those thoughts were going through my head.

Instead I was having other thoughts. Evil thoughts. Thoughts like:

Woman! Do you know who I am? (Now, to be quite honest with you, I’m not even sure what I meant by this question. I mean…really…who am I? I am Brian Jeansonne – the guy who cuts through this parking lot illegally, every single day!)

Thoughts like:

She is little, brittle and old. I bet that I could open that gate, get back in my car and drive out of here before she could even run those 30 yards or get my plate numbers…

Thoughts like:

Who does this crazy woman think she is, telling me not to open up this gate?

To make matters even worse, I consciously chose to turn and glare at her. I didn’t say anything with my mouth; I just let my eyes do the talking. I could not believe that she was telling me what to do, or what not to do.

As I got back into my car to make the journey home, I kept mulling over how angry I was…and then it happened. As I sat at the red light, blood pressure raised, sweat rolling off of my brow, I sensed God ask me: “Brian, why are you rebelling against me?”

And it was at that moment that I realized (again) that I have much still to learn and that God will use anyone or anything necessary to teach me.

So, if you are looking for a good heart challenge; if you’re looking to take a journey and learn a little bit about what it truly means to submit to God’s authority in your own life, I recommend two things:

Number one: Check out Watchman Nee’s Spiritual Authority

Number two: Watch out for little old ladies

You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover

About two months ago, I was browsing my bookshelf and a very plain looking book caught my eye. The book is Spiritual Authority by Watchman Nee. This book has been on my shelf for about 5 years now, but for whatever reason (I think it’s because the cover of this book lacks pizzazz) I have not picked it up before.

Well, today I am reading through the book for the second time in 2 months and it is changing my life.

God seems to be doing a number on me, page by page. It is difficult to even put into words what I am learning right now. I do intend to revisit this subject and try to express in a future blog what I am learning.

As far as today goes, I just thought I would give you a couple of challenging quotes straight from the pages of Spiritual Authority:

“Whoever has met authority deals purely with authority and not with man. Let us not see the man but only the authority vested in him. We do not obey man but God’s authority in that man.”

“As man’s obedience increases, his actions decrease. When we first begin to follow the Lord we are full of activity but quite short on obedience. But as we advance in spirituality our actions gradually diminish until we are filled with obedience. Many, however, do what they like and refuse to do what they dislike. They never ponder whether or not they are acting out of obedience. Hence many works are done out of self and not in obedience to God.”

“Many consider themselves obedient to God while actually knowing nothing of being subject to God’s delegated authority. He who is truly obedient will find God’s authority in ever circumstance, in the home, and in other institutions…Special attention must be paid each time words of reviling are uttered. Such words should not be idly spoken. Reviling proves that there is a rebellious spirit within; it is the germination of rebellion.”

“Only a fool takes pleasure in the failure of delegated authority. He who dislikes God’s delegate dislikes God Himself. It is the rebellious nature of man that makes him want to obey God’s direct authority without being subject to the delegated authorities God has established.”

“To be an authority is to represent God. Whether it be in wrath or mercy, an authority must always be like God…A delegated authority is supposed to manage affairs for God.”

“A person who has known authority will naturally try to find authority wherever he goes…the Christian will look for and find authority everywhere.”

“Only those who do not know authority are those who wish to be authorities.”

Those of you who know me well know that I am always recommending books. Well, today is no different.

This book is defenitely worth checking out.

Maybe We Could Just Follow the Planes...

If you have been keeping up with my blog over the last few posts, you have probably noticed that God seems to be doing a real number on me when it comes to my heart. I truly believe that the last couple of months have been an intense exercise in learning to love – an exercise that is transforming my heart, my attitude (I truly hope those around me often can tell a difference) and my life.

The things that God is teaching me are coming out in my blogs, in my journal and also in my teachings. In church right now, we are doing a series entitled: Revolution. The series is all about learning to love – truly love – people as Christ has commanded us to. Last week I taught that love is patient – or – slow to anger.

The way I see it – I am on a steep learning curve and it seems like God has no desire to allow me to remain the same or to run in place. Yippee.

As I write, I am on an airplane flying back to New Orleans from Chicago, where I was doing an Alpha conference.

So, I have to share this story with my 3 faithful blog readers.

Just for fun, I’m going to let you in on the process of me learning to love.

This morning I taught the first session at the conference and as soon as the session was over, this young girl found us and said, “I’m Emily. I’m taking you guys to the airport.”

We had a bit of a cushion, but I knew going to O’Hare Airport in Chicago we would need a good amount of time to check in, so I was anxious to get going.

We loaded our bags and hopped into her car. As we started driving we made some small conversation and then she says, “I am so bad with directions. I hope I can find this place.”

This statement caught me off guard and to be honest with you it scared me a little.

Immediately I began to have thoughts…bad thoughts…things like:

Aren’t you from here? You don’t know how to get to the freakin’ airport?

You have got to be kidding!

You’re not really a brunette, are you?

You have one job for this conference – getting people to the airport!

Maybe we could just look up in the sky and see all the freakin’ planes and follow them!

There must be over a million people who live in Chicago and this is the only person they could find to bring us to the airport?

At this point I really was a little nervous…so here is the conversation that I actually had out loud with Emily.

Brian: “So, Emily….do you live around here?”

Emily: “Yes. I live close by.”

B: “No kidding. Do you get out much?”

E: “Yea…”

B: “But you don’t head over to the airport to often?”

E: “No….but…last year for this conference I took a bunch of people to the airport, but that was like a year ago.”

B: “Oh.”

At this time, Emily pulled out her phone and called her mom for directions.

As she talked to her mom, I sat quietly in the backseat, looked up and watched all of the planes that were flying over our heads. And I began to have more thoughts.

We’re screwed.

Don’t look at Shawn (who was traveling with me.)

Maybe she could just take us back to the conference.

There must be over a million people who live in Chicago and this is the only person they could find to bring us to the airport?


As these thoughts are flying around in my head, we pulled into a gas station to ask for directions. I was at least happy that she was a girl, because asking directions at a gas station was not going to be a problem for her.

At this point, I started thinking that we would certainly miss our flight so I pulled out my phone to text my dad.

The text read….

“They got some 22 year old chick who doesn’t know where the hell she is going to take us to the airport. We are currently at a gas station asking for directions.”

I waited for a few minutes and finally received a text back from my old man. It said, “Love is patient.”

Indeed it is.

We made it to the airport in plenty of time. I remained calm the whole way and did not let my thoughts or my emotions dictate how I treated Emily or responded to her. Instead, I chose patience. (Thanks dad.)

When we got out of the car Shawn and I shared our thoughts and pretty much agreed on two things.

1. Choosing to do the right thing is always the right thing to do.

2. In the future whenever we are asked to take someone, somewhere…we might not know where we’re going…but we’ll never let on to that fact.

A Global God

This past weekend I was in Boise, Idaho visiting a friend of mine who is one of the pastors at the Boise Vineyard. On Friday morning as we were walking through the office, Tri – the Pastor of the church – stopped me and asked me to step into his office. (I met Tri about 2 years ago when he led a team down to New Orleans to help with Hurricane Relief.) As I sat down on the sofa in Tri’s office he proceeded to explain to me that the guest speaker he had scheduled for the weekend was extremely sick and was unable to make the trip from Australia. He then told me that it just so happens that four different people from four different parts of the world - where the Boise Vineyard is involved in missions - were in town. He asked me, along with the others, to each talk for about 10 minutes at all three of their Sunday morning services about the things that God is doing through the church in the places where we live.

The other speakers included Savve from Fiji, Chris and Cathy from the Philippines and Shelton and Rebecca from Zimbabwe.

As part of the morning worship set we sang ‘Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble’ by Martin Smith. The bridge and chorus to the song sing:

And we can see that God you're moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord

Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice

Following worship, one after another we stood on stage to tell about the things that God is doing in our parts of the world. It was such an amazing experience that showed just how small our world is and how big our God is.

To hear the stories of those around the world bringing heaven to their piece of the planet was an incredible picture of dancers dancing upon injustice. From the hurricane ravaged streets of New Orleans to the Zimbabwean villages that have no drinking water to the tribes in the Philippines that have no toilets, we heard story after story of the Kingdom of God coming to these places through the church. One Church. One God. Many different faces, places and cultures.

Coming on the heels of my last post, I am absolutely convinced that God is alive and well and he is concerned and connected with all of humankind. He is a global God and his Kingdom is powerfully and forcefully advancing through the love, lives and commitment of his followers.