The Journey Inward - Part 2

“May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son and Spirit.”

For the past couple of years, I have been on a journey. Discontent with staying still, I committed to myself to take a journey to discover who I am. At the same time, the journey is not only about discovering who I am alone, but even more importantly a journey to discover who I am in Christ Jesus. I am on a journey to discover why I think what I think; why I act the way I act; why I say the things I say. The journey is in progress. On most days the journey is led by the Holy Spirit. The journey has taken me down a number of different paths that have all led to discovery and wonder. As there have been some recurring themes throughout my self discovery, I have noticed that the issues of being opinionated, competitive and judgmental seem to just keep hanging around. Recently, I sensed that the Lord was directing me to get some extra help on this leg of the journey.

In early March, I decided to take my said desire to change to the next level. In early March, I took a trip to Dallas, TX where I spent 3 days meeting with a very wise, very gracious Christian man who also happened to be a professional counselor.

On my first day, as I sat across from him, I spent the first 2 hours of our time explaining to him all of the things that I struggle with when it comes to my competitive, judgmental, opinionated self. I told him stories of how others irritate me. I told him stories of how I irritate myself. I told him all of the things that I wanted fixed.

When I was done, he spent the next 8 hours (over 3 days) helping me revisit my past, praying over me and teaching me about what it means to be an ordinary human being who opens himself to the life and power of Jesus in order that Jesus may indeed live His life through me.

At the end of our last session on our last day, he looked at me and said “It has been a pleasure spending time with you.”

At this moment, I could not believe it was over.

He could see a troubled look on my face and he asked me,    “Are you okay?”

With as much honesty as I could muster up, I simply said, “But what about all of my stuff? What about all of the things that I told you about 2 days ago? We didn’t talk about my issues. How do I quit doing the things I hate? How do I get better? How do I change?”

To these questions he replied, “Go home. Begin to live in the presence of God. Invite Him to live His life through you. If you do not begin to see some changes in the next 6 months, email me and we’ll tweak some things.”

To me this was not new news. I understood practicing God’s presence. I read Brother Lawrence’s book….five times. This advice, this counsel did not seem good to me. But that afternoon I walked out and I simply said, “Jesus, if there is more for me to learn about what it means to live in your presence, then I am open and ask you to take the lead and show me the way.”

Well, it has been 2 months and I have realized that I had a thorough, cognitive understanding of what it meant to practice God’s presence. (I've even taught on this subject!) The problem was I didn’t have a personal, ongoing experience of what it meant.

By no means do I think I fully understand it today, but I must say that I am learning more every single day about what it means to live in the presence of God; to let Jesus live His life through me. At the same time, I am beginning to see some changes in my heart and in my life.

My time with this counselor, along with a few very influential books (1, 2, 3), some very real friendships and time with the Holy Spirit has really begun to impact my life greatly. In no way could I express all that God is doing in me. In no way do I feel that God has even scratched the surface of what he desires to address in my life. However, in a very real way…I recognize that God is changing me and as challenging as it is (and it is very challenging and at times painful), I am in awe that God loves me enough to not allow me to stay stuck.

I am hoping that along the way, I will be able to share some of my journey. Some of it is a little too personal for this blog, but for what I do share, I hope and pray that it will be used to both encourage and challenge.

Ordinary

This week, I had the privilege of sitting down and talking with a very wise, very humble, very experienced older gentleman. Our conversation primarily revolved around some issues and thought processes that I have been having trouble overcoming. During the course of our conversation we began to discuss the original design of man, the fall of man and the subsequent result of the fall on man and man's new found ordinariness.

It seems that we live in a society where the ordinary is despised and the extraordinary is to be sought after at all cost. Let’s face it; no one wants to watch an ordinary guy like me play basketball. Instead we prefer to watch King James as he glides through the air and forcefully slams the ball through the hoop to finish off a mammoth dunk. At the same time, when was the last time you turned on your television on a Sunday afternoon to watch a bunch of cigar smoking, beer drinking guys play a round of 18 holes, hitting rooftops, slicing balls into backyard swimming pools and then hollering like children when they accidentally sink a chip shot for a bogey from 27 feet? No. We turn on our TV’s to watch Tiger Woods eagle a par 4…on purpose. Why? Because he is extraordinary and we like it. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with these guys being extraordinary (in this one area of their life) nor is there anything wrong with us liking these guys. The problem though, is when we begin to believe that being ordinary is to be less than.

This happens to all of us. But particularly for those who choose to be Christ followers in their lives…the idea of being ordinary is more or less…unacceptable. Somehow, along the way through our Christian lives, we have gathered (or been taught) that to be a Christian we must become holy, righteous, like Jesus Himself.

This week, as I spoke with this dear man, he said in a passing statement, “You know Brian; this idea of becoming like Jesus is one of the most fallacious statements that I have ever heard. What a disservice we do to people to tell them that they should become like Jesus.” He continued, by saying, “The best we can do in this ordinary, fleshly body of ours is to invite Jesus in, that He may live His life through us; that He may be holy and righteous; that He may be Jesus, in us.” As human beings, as flesh and blood, we are as ordinary as they come. No amount of prayer, fasting, solitude, silence, worship or any other disciplines can make us less ordinary or more holy. All of these things are good and necessary, but apart from the experience of Jesus Christ’s life giving power and Spirit living through us, they are just exercises in will power which will more than likely leave us exhausted, lonely and hungry.

This week I realized (again) that my being ordinary is just the way Jesus wants it. For if I had the ability to become holy or righteous or like Jesus on my own, then why would I need Him? The truth is, I do need Him and when He shows up and He lives through me…all of those around experience the extraordinary life of Jesus Christ.

In the words of one of the most ordinary Christians in all of history, the ordinary Paul writes in Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me…”

The Journey Inward

Four months ago I picked up a book by Reggie McNeal entitled Practicing Greatness: 7 Disciplines of Extraordinary Spiritual Leaders. I was about to embark on my second reading through the book. At the same time, a friend of mine recommended a book by Peter Scazzero entitled The Emotionally Healthy Church. Little did I know at that time that these two books along with some nudging by the Holy Spirit would take me on a journey deep into my own heart and soul.

In the last four months I have come to the realization that I’m really not the person I hoped that I would be at the age of 31. I am a husband and a father. I did want that. I own a home and have a well paying job. I did want that. I have a few friends and wonderful family. I did want that. But, at the same time, I have a pretty achy back. I didn’t want that. I get really bad headaches. I didn’t want that. I am sad a lot. I didn’t want that. I am opinionated. I didn’t want that. I like control. I didn’t want that. I can be judgmental. I didn’t want that. There are a couple of other things, but no need to put all of my dirty laundry out there.

As these months have crawled along at a snails pace, I have begun to journey deeper into my own thoughts and feelings. I have asked questions, I have changed behaviors, I have sought the Lord. Behavioral changes have been good and healthy, but what I have truly been in search of is a heart transplant. (I am not writing from a theological standpoint at this point.) I am simply saying that I have needed God to change me at a deeper level. I have come to figure out in the last four months that God first wanted me to know what I didn’t know before he would come in and do surgery. It has been a time of being honest with myself. Evaluating my thoughts and my feelings as honestly as I know how and then learning how to evaluate more honestly.

I first read McNeal’s book, Practicing Greatness, about a year and a half ago. At that time, I distinctly remember a couple of challenges proposed in his book that I thought were very good challenges. I even thought that I should put myself up to the challenge, but then thought better of it. As I moved through the pages of Practicing Greatness this time, I felt that the Holy Spirit was gently pressing down on me with the weight of the world to not just read the words but to actually make a move. So, when I got to the chapter on managing emotions, I read very carefully; I knew that this was a chapter that I needed to pay close attention too. Basically, McNeal posed the idea, ‘If you want to know what kind of person / leader you are, simply ask those around you.’ This was one of those ‘challenges’ that I thought I should participate in last year when I read the book but then chose not too. This time around, I had no choice. I had to step up to the plate. So, I drafted four questions and I sent them to four people. Those who I sent the questions to had all known me for different amounts of time and I felt that they were the people who the Holy Spirit had inspired me to ask. The questions were:

1. How do you see me as a leader?
2. Am I a hostile person?
3. Do you see in blind spots in my life / ministry?
4. Do you like me?

This was an exercise that I was not particularly excited about. I gave these few people permission to be brutally honest with me, because if they were not willing to be honest, then the exercise would be of no value. Well…they were honest…and the good news was that at the end of each interview, each person said they liked me… most of the time. As for everything else, let’s just say I had (have) a lot to work on.

At the same time, I started reading Scazzero’s book on emotional health. In the fourth chapter of this book there is an emotional inventory for the reader to work through to assess where they rank on the emotional maturity scale in 6 different areas. The four levels of maturity are:

Emotional Infant
Emotional Child
Emotional Adolescent
Emotional Adult

The inventory determined that I rank at the child or adolescent level in the six categories. I was so upset after taking the test that I put the book in my satchel and left it there for about 3 weeks before getting back to it. (That was part of my emotional immaturity.) I did get back to the book however and it has played an integral part in the growing process.

It’s kind of interesting because I started this blog exactly one year ago. My first blog entry was entitled Opinions, Listening, Optimism and Bitching. One of my goals in 2007 was to work towards becoming less opinionated and bitch less. I did accomplish my goals in some ways, but perhaps more importantly than just trying to change the behaviors, 2007 was the year that Jesus began to show me why opinions and bitching even exist in my life. I believe that 2008 is a year of going deeper, albeit painful at times. It’s not just about changing the behavior, but truly having a change of heart and becoming the person that God has created me to be.

So, now you know. This is where I’ve been. I’ve been in the operating room and I’ve been slowly asking God to cut a little deeper and remove more and more of the stuff that has no place in my life and put more of the good stuff in me. I pray that 2008 will indeed be a year filled with looking more like Jesus as I learn more about myself and experience more of Him.

From Diapers to the Potty

Recently, two of my blogging friends wrote about the journeys that their sons are on towards manhood. One has a 12 year old son who will be a teenager next year. He titled his blog ‘From Boys to Men.’ The other has a son who is 19 and has just left home for college. He titled his blog ‘Passage to Manhood.’

I respect both of these friends and am inspired by them as men and as fathers. Both of their blogs challenged me, inspired me and led me to evaluate where I am in the journey with my three boys towards manhood. After a few minutes of reflecting, I concluded that we are still in the very early stages – but we are on our way!

About a month ago, my cell phone rang as I sat in my office reading. As I pulled it out of my pocket and noticed that the caller ID said ‘home’ I answered eager to see what Kristy needed. No sooner than the word “hello” was out of my mouth, there was a high pitched voice on the other end yelling, “Daddy, I went poo poo on the potty!” For those of you who have received a similar phone call…you can certainly relate. But what are you supposed to do with that information? Obviously, when your child calls you with this fantastic news, you want to reply with great enthusiasm.

“You went poo poo on the potty!? That’s awesome!”

I’m just glad I wasn’t at a crowded Starbucks when I received that call. That would have been really awkward.

That phone call came from my oldest boy, Micah who will be 3 years old in a few days. Some might say that he is getting potty trained at a late age, but here’s the beauty of it – that day that Micah called me was the same day that he was completely potty trained without our assistance. He just decided he was done with diapers and wanted big boy underwear. We haven’t had even one accident in over a month.

He’s well on his way to manhood.

Two weeks ago, I was building blocks in the den with Micah and Jonah (my middle boy who will be 2 in late November) when Jonah picked up a block and threw it across the room. Without really thinking about which boy I was talking to I said, “Go to timeout.”

Now, for this story to work, I need to set this up for you.

About 3 months ago, Jonah learned how to get out of his crib. We have kept him in a crib as long as possible because it just makes life easier when you have a place that your kid cannot escape from. Well, those days are over – he can now escape (and usually does escape every morning around 5:30 am, but that’s a blog for another day.) We have also been using Jonah’s crib as his timeout place for the last 6 months. (I know, I know – we shouldn’t use his bed as a place of punishment, but you’d be amazed at how many things we do that you’re not ‘supposed’ to do as parents.)

Anyway, when I told Jonah to go to timeout, he stood up, turned around and walked away – without even a whimper. After about a minute I looked at Kristy and said “where do you think he went?” We both started to walk to the back of the house to find him when we looked in his room only to see that Jonah was sitting in his crib. Who would have known! Not only can the kid get out of his crib but he can actually climb in!

He’s well on his way to manhood.

The other day, Nate (my third boy who is 8 months old) started cutting a tooth. He also recently learned how to sit up without falling over.

He’s well on his way to manhood.

I look forward to those days in the future when we will play football, hike mountains, shoot guns, go camping, play with fire, learn how to treat girls, build tree houses, and do all kinds of others things that boys who are becoming men do…but until that time…I am just enjoying watching as these little guys learn how to use the potty, build with blocks, eat with utensils, sit up, say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no mam’, pray to Jesus at bedtime and love life.

Everybody Wants to be Somebody

Alright, I’ll admit it…I like country music. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because my high school girlfriend liked it and I’ve enjoyed listening ever since. Or maybe it’s because my buddy Crispin is a huge country music fan and makes me listen to it every time we’re in his truck, or maybe it’s just because country music has such an encouraging, positive message. Whatever it is…I enjoy listening. In 2006 country music star Toby Keith released a song entitled “Get Drunk and Be Somebody”. For those of you who have not yet learned to appreciate the true joy and richness of country music, here is the chorus to Keith’s song:

All week long (we’re a) bunch of real nobodies,

But we just punched out and it’s paycheck Friday,

Weekends here, good God almighty,

People lets get drunk and be somebody

As I was listening to this song the other day, I got to thinking…you know, everybody wants to be somebody. Nobody wants to be a nobody.

I’m not going to disclose too much in this blog; I’m not sure I really want the whole world having access to my dirty laundry, but I will go so far as to say this – sometimes, I just want to be somebody. I’m not proud of it and I really don’t like it, but sometimes it’s just true. (For those of you who have never experienced this, congratulations – you are convincing when it comes to lying to yourself!)

I guess one thing that I take comfort in is that I’m in good company. In the gospel of Luke there’s this one verse that says, “And there arose also a dispute among them (the disciples) as to which one of them was regarded to be the greatest” (22:24). I get this picture in my head of these 12 guys hanging around in this room (with Jesus present) arguing back and forth…

James: “Well…he did wash my feet first, so obviously, I’m the greatest…”

Andrew: “No way! He might have washed your feet first, but when He was picking disciples…he picked me first. I’m definitely the greatest.”

Peter: “Actually Andrew, if you recall, he really picked me first. And quite honestly, I really thought that I might be the greatest, you know… his favorite, but then he went and healed my mother in the law the other day…so now I’m not so sure…”

So, here you have these 12 guys and they all want to be somebody. They want it badly enough that they are actually willing to argue about it in front of Jesus. Personally, I’m pretty embarrassed to admit that it’s even in me, but they didn’t seem to mind.

As I have been reflecting on this lately though, I have come to the realization that I really don’t want to be somebody. At the deepest part of my being, I ultimately desire to live a life that is lived out as though I have nothing to gain, nothing to lose and nothing to prove. I desire to have a heart and a life that finds its ultimate security and value in simply being a child of God’s. The truth is though, there is no way to live a life with nothing to gain, nothing to lose or nothing to prove until I become honest with myself and admit that at times I try to gain, try not to lose and try to prove that I am somebody!

The world sings their anthem loud and clear…Be Somebody!

But as I look into the scripture it really seems that Jesus’ plan for us as his followers is quite different…lose your life, don’t worry about gaining, losing or proving…just follow me.

Eventually 11 of those 12 got it. They realized that everything that they were was because of God. And they lived their lives accordingly.

So, today I move closer to singing my anthem, the same anthem that those disciples sang on their journey through life and eventually to their deaths:

I am loved by God. Everything that I have, everything that I am is because of him. I find my security and my value in Christ alone. There is now no need to be somebody. Therefore, I may now live today with nothing to gain, nothing to lose and nothing to prove.

Little Old Ladies

Kristy and I live two houses from a private high school in beautiful Metairie, LA. It just so happens that this school’s parking lot provides a great shortcut to get to my house – much quicker than if I take the regular route. The gates are always open, so I have always assumed that the school must want me to use their parking lot to get to my home. About 2 months ago, I did my normal cut through the parking lot only to find that the gate that I usually exit through to get home was closed.

There are actually 3 gates that I could exit through to get home; so I slowly drove past the first closed gate only to notice that the other two were also closed. As I circled around the parking lot and looked through the gate at my house I figured that getting out of my car to open the gate might be a little inconvenient, but it would get me home quicker. So, I pulled up to the gate, stepped out of my car, took 2 steps towards the gate, when all of a sudden I heard a high pitched voice from behind me yelling, “Sir! Sir! Please don’t open that gate sir!”

For the past 4 months, I have been stuck in this one book by Watchman Nee entitled Spiritual Authority. In his book, Nee makes every effort to explain that as Christians, God desires that we would learn to submit to authority. Nee explains that to submit to authority is to submit to God and the one who rebels against authority ultimately is rebelling against God.

Nee writes in his book, “Whoever has met authority deals purely with authority and not with man. Let us not see the man but only the authority vested in him. We do not obey man but God’s authority in that man.”

Since reading the book, I have asked God on a number of occasions to show me my shortcomings, to challenge me, to teach me, to show me the places where I might actually be living in rebellion towards God – either directly or indirectly. I have asked God to make me aware of His authority everywhere that I go.

To be quite honest, I really thought that God might choose to use my boss or a mentor, a police officer or someone who has some real authority in my life. Instead he chose to use a little old lady yelling at me with her high pitched voice.

You might think that this really isn’t a big deal.

So what? Who cares? Some lady asks me not to use the gate, so I just get in my car and leave.

Right?

Where’s the brush with authority? Where’s the rebellion in that?

Well, let me finish the story…

As I turned around to face this woman, something inside of me began to burn with anger. I could feel my face turning a bright shade of red. My ears began to burn and I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my bald head.

I had been caught red handed and I was so mad. I knew that it was private property. I knew that it was wrong to cut through the parking lot. I knew that it was wrong to get out of my car and attempt to open the gate. I knew all of these things. Unfortunately, none of those thoughts were going through my head.

Instead I was having other thoughts. Evil thoughts. Thoughts like:

Woman! Do you know who I am? (Now, to be quite honest with you, I’m not even sure what I meant by this question. I mean…really…who am I? I am Brian Jeansonne – the guy who cuts through this parking lot illegally, every single day!)

Thoughts like:

She is little, brittle and old. I bet that I could open that gate, get back in my car and drive out of here before she could even run those 30 yards or get my plate numbers…

Thoughts like:

Who does this crazy woman think she is, telling me not to open up this gate?

To make matters even worse, I consciously chose to turn and glare at her. I didn’t say anything with my mouth; I just let my eyes do the talking. I could not believe that she was telling me what to do, or what not to do.

As I got back into my car to make the journey home, I kept mulling over how angry I was…and then it happened. As I sat at the red light, blood pressure raised, sweat rolling off of my brow, I sensed God ask me: “Brian, why are you rebelling against me?”

And it was at that moment that I realized (again) that I have much still to learn and that God will use anyone or anything necessary to teach me.

So, if you are looking for a good heart challenge; if you’re looking to take a journey and learn a little bit about what it truly means to submit to God’s authority in your own life, I recommend two things:

Number one: Check out Watchman Nee’s Spiritual Authority

Number two: Watch out for little old ladies

You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover

About two months ago, I was browsing my bookshelf and a very plain looking book caught my eye. The book is Spiritual Authority by Watchman Nee. This book has been on my shelf for about 5 years now, but for whatever reason (I think it’s because the cover of this book lacks pizzazz) I have not picked it up before.

Well, today I am reading through the book for the second time in 2 months and it is changing my life.

God seems to be doing a number on me, page by page. It is difficult to even put into words what I am learning right now. I do intend to revisit this subject and try to express in a future blog what I am learning.

As far as today goes, I just thought I would give you a couple of challenging quotes straight from the pages of Spiritual Authority:

“Whoever has met authority deals purely with authority and not with man. Let us not see the man but only the authority vested in him. We do not obey man but God’s authority in that man.”

“As man’s obedience increases, his actions decrease. When we first begin to follow the Lord we are full of activity but quite short on obedience. But as we advance in spirituality our actions gradually diminish until we are filled with obedience. Many, however, do what they like and refuse to do what they dislike. They never ponder whether or not they are acting out of obedience. Hence many works are done out of self and not in obedience to God.”

“Many consider themselves obedient to God while actually knowing nothing of being subject to God’s delegated authority. He who is truly obedient will find God’s authority in ever circumstance, in the home, and in other institutions…Special attention must be paid each time words of reviling are uttered. Such words should not be idly spoken. Reviling proves that there is a rebellious spirit within; it is the germination of rebellion.”

“Only a fool takes pleasure in the failure of delegated authority. He who dislikes God’s delegate dislikes God Himself. It is the rebellious nature of man that makes him want to obey God’s direct authority without being subject to the delegated authorities God has established.”

“To be an authority is to represent God. Whether it be in wrath or mercy, an authority must always be like God…A delegated authority is supposed to manage affairs for God.”

“A person who has known authority will naturally try to find authority wherever he goes…the Christian will look for and find authority everywhere.”

“Only those who do not know authority are those who wish to be authorities.”

Those of you who know me well know that I am always recommending books. Well, today is no different.

This book is defenitely worth checking out.